What do you think of this chapter, opinions pretty please?
By
I wake the next morning with the sun beating through my bedroom window. Something I’m not used to back home in the middle of September. It is mostly rain or worse, snow.
I decide to get up straight away, which is unusual for me. Sundays I usually lay in bed the whole morning. Must be the weather plus I’m excited to explore my new surroundings.
Once I choose an outfit, I pull my hair up into a bun and shove on my boots. I reason with myself that it will be best to get breakfast when I’m out, save burning down my new kitchen. I get out the lift at reception. Eugene is on the phone again- most likely to his mum- I give him a quick wave and walk by.
Maurice opens the door with a cheery, “morning, Miss Sophie, sleep well?”
“I did indeed, Maurice, thank you.” I say and walk out onto the street. I stroll down the street a little and find a little cafe. I decide to go in and get something to eat before I faint.
As soon as I enter the waitress rushes over to me like I am the first customer she has seen in a month. Maybe I am. Maybe the cafe is rubbish. It’s too late to turn around and leave now she has already seen me.
“Hey there,” Doris says, “would you like a table?”
“Yes please, Doris,” I reply. She looks totally freaked out that I know her name. I noticed it on her name badge as she was running at me like a stampede of animals when I first came in.
“Oh, you know my name. Are you one of those see into the future people?” she asks.
I glance down at her name tag and give her a wink. Her face turns bright red as she looks down and sees the big black writing on her apron.
“Could I have a coffee and scrambled egg on toast please?” I ask.
“Sure thing, sweetie, won’t be long,” she says as she shows me to my seat. She smiles and walks over to the counter.
“Jeff, two slabs with baby chicks and a jumping bean.” She screams into the back.
What did she just call my eggs? I don’t want to think of them that way. I’m starting to realise why this cafe is so empty. As I await my EGGS I look around. It really is such a nice little cafe. It’s a waste no-one is here. There are pictures of old famous people hanging on the wall at every booth. Marilyn Monroe, JFK, Elvis and today I am having breakfast with Frank Sinatra.
Doris arrives with my breakfast and sits down across from me just staring. I feel like saying to her, “What? Why you looking at me?” Deciding not to offend anyone I muster up a, “yum, very nice.”
She only wanted to see if I enjoyed it because as soon as I said that, she left. Either that or she can read minds and got offended by my thoughts. I finish up and pay, telling Doris and Jeff their cooking was brilliant and I will be back. I wave goodbye and walk out the door, crossing the road I stand in front of Central Park gates. This is what I have been waiting for. I push them open and walk in.
Everything is so green. The grass is dancing in the slight breeze and some of the leaves on the trees are turning their Autum colour. There is wooden park benches dotted all around the park. I’m not used to nice green parks and wooden benches. The only benches I am used to seeing is red bus stop ones. I continue to walk on and see a whole different world. Woman jogging forgetting all their worries, mothers, babies and their nannies on their brisk morning walk. Business men on their cell phones walking through the park not even aware of where they are. How can they just walk by?
I take a seat near the pond and watch everyone. I get excited as I see the lady from Mary Poppins. Not Julie Andrews but the little bird Lady Mary tells Jane and Michael about. I know it’s not actually her but she has the same little trolley with all the bird seed bags hanging from the side. I can’t stop myself and go over to buy one. As I throw my seeds among the grass I notice that I’m humming the tune to “Feed The Birds.”
I love Mary Poppins. I love Central Park and I love New York.
When all my bird seeds have gone I return to my apartment and start to get things organised for work tomorrow. I take a bath, blow dry my hair and look out some clothes. I decide on my black Dolce and Gabana trouser suit and my zebra print heels. With tomorrow sorted I go into the kitchen and try to figure out how to work the microwave. It looks like an alien spaceship to me. After twenty minutes; eight to cook my macaroni cheese and twelve to find the start button I slump down on my sofa and switch the TV on. Friends are playing and I start to feel American.
At ten o’clock I call it a night and go to bed. I smile at my thoughts today and wonder what tomorrow will bring?
Its not my chapter 1 its chapter 4 so it may be confusing, sorry
Yeah it is explained in the first 3 chapters, she has just moved from England. The microwave is really hi tech and she isn’t sure how to work it,
Well first you say the cafe is "rubbish," then you say it was nice. Well which was it?
As someone else stated, a cafe that close to Central Park would never be that empty. Rethink that.
You switched tense a few times. As in from opens to opened. Go back and fix that.
Also, I think the sense of times seems a little skewed. She woke up early didn’t she? Unless she spent 7 hours in the park that we never heard about, it just doesn’t make sense.
You need to work out the little things first.
4 Comments
June 18th, 2010 at 4:27 pm
Needs more Vampires….
but seriously show don’t tell.
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June 18th, 2010 at 5:15 pm
There were some things you did really well, such as constructing the restaurant scene, although I would have said that you saw her name tag BEFORE your character says her name. when you say it after wards, you’re making your reader go in reverse and it breaks the flow.
Overall, though, it was fine. I don’t quite understand why this girl is so taken with NYC? Have you ever been there? I have not, but from what I’ve heard from those who have, it’s much less park and a lot more noise, pollution, speed, cold people, and red bus stop benches. Not to paint NYC in a bad light, but honestly, it’s a big city–a big northern city. Also, I doubt a restaurant that doesn’t have a lot of customers is really going to last in uptown NYC (especially near Central park?). So, either they just opened, or they’re getting ready to close down because lack of customers means they can’t pay rent for the space.
And where is this girl from? She’s used to seeing red bus stop benches and no grass, but doesn’t know anything about microwaves? I have a city-boy friend who never touches a kitchen–can’t make mac and cheese without help–but he knows where the start button is on the microwave. So something needs to be fixed or explained there.
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June 18th, 2010 at 5:21 pm
Well first you say the cafe is "rubbish," then you say it was nice. Well which was it?
As someone else stated, a cafe that close to Central Park would never be that empty. Rethink that.
You switched tense a few times. As in from opens to opened. Go back and fix that.
Also, I think the sense of times seems a little skewed. She woke up early didn’t she? Unless she spent 7 hours in the park that we never heard about, it just doesn’t make sense.
You need to work out the little things first.
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June 18th, 2010 at 5:59 pm
OMG!! Hurry up and finish this novel cause i cant wait to read it! Just as good as your play write..lol
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